The Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins
by lalaithien
Summary: Another Secret Diary. Enjoy or hate - your choice. But please, no derisive emails!


The Secret Diary of Frodo, son of Drogo of the Shire 

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Author's Note: Yet another installment in my Secret Diaries series. The idea was inspired by Cassie Claire's "Very Secret Diaries" (which were in turn inspired by "Bridget Jones' Diary"). Hers are full of slash, which I personally dislike, so I have made my own. These are my own creations, and I alone hold the intellectual rights to them. I haven't bothered with strict adherence to the timeline, so Tolkien purists beware. Please, no hate-mail or derisive comments. Thank you.

**Day 1:**

Uncle Bilbo's birthday party v. successful, apart from cousins making free with fireworks and making general mess of things. Suspect they blew up Uncle Bilbo as cannot find him anywhere. Have gold ring, however. Advised by Gandalf to keep safe. Expect he meant from Lobelia.

**Day 21:**

Gandalf says gold ring v. evil. He's telling _me_. It turned my finger green. Has decided ought to go to Rivendell with ring to decide course of action. Will take something large and gullible as distraction. Sam should do well.

**Day 22:**

 Met up with noisy cousins purloining vegetables. Have decided to take along as possible extra food supply.

**Day 23:**

Came upon scary things on black horses. Appeared to be dressed in black bedsheets. Have bad feeling about this.

**Day 24:**

In Bree. Finally a chance to get away from noisy cousins and Sam who cannot STOP BEING CHEERFUL when my feet are killing me. Will drown sorrows in cheese and v. strong ale.

**Day 25:**

Met up with strange scruffy man. Wild-looking. Has offered to show us way to Rivendell. Have agreed. If things go wrong he might just kill noisy cousins. Not bad idea.

**Day 26:**

At some place called Weathertop. Looks like giant mushroom on plain. Wish had mushrooms. Ate supper and expected to sleep but was interrupted by strange creatures in black bedsheets. No regard for suppertimes, those things. Expect have not had afternoon tea in years. V. grumpy. Need to explore their sensitive sides.

**Day 27:**

Have been abducted by tall Elf-chick on fast horse who appears to have thing for Aragorn. Hope we get to Rivendell soon. Am feeling v. horse-sick. Do not travel well. But at least am free of glib cousins.

**Day 30:**

At Rivendell. Apparently fell into coma. No wonder. Elrond master of homeopathic medicine (excellent taste in pyjamas too). Sam has not left side since arrived. Wish Sam would leave. Foot is asleep from being sat on.

**Day 31:**

Council of Elrond held today. Everyone taller than me. Elrond decided must destroy Ring in fires of Mount Doom. Agreed as do not fancy gold jewellery much and have been planning on sightseeing journey anyway. 

LATER:

Everyone else coming as well. Drat. Had hoped for time alone to meditate and relish wonders of nature. 

**Day 34:**

Cannot go through Gap of Rohan as roads closed. (Construction in area is always slow, Gandalf says.) Must take Pass of Caradhras. Feet hurt already.

**Day 35:**

Feet hurt and have developed v. bad head-cold. Fell halfway down snowy slope only to get pat on head by Boromir. Am not dog. Stupid Boromir. Everyone in ill mood.

**Day 37:**

Could not take Pass of Caradhras either – big surprise – so have decided to go through Mines of Moria. Gandalf not keen on idea. Aragorn strangely keen on idea. Calm-enhancement plan as prescribed by Elrond not working well.

**Day 38:**

Cannot sleep at all as everyone keeps taking me aside for private discussions. Wish was not three feet tall and could box all their ears.

**Day 39:**

Alas. Gimli's cousin dead. Orcs attacked. Orcs dead. Wish Boromir was dead. Gandalf has fallen into shadow. Asked me for inexplicable reasons to fly. Alas have no wings in manner of Balrog so cannot. Hate Mines of Moria.

**Day 42:**

In Lorien. Surrounded by tall pointy-eared blondes. Great. Have had enough of tall pointy-eared blondes already. Legolas standing round looking pretty. Am sick of Legolas. Am sick of Fellowship. Am sick of stupid Quest. Will pawn Ring off on Galadriel. Tall pointy-eared blondes seem fond of jewellery.

LATER:

Drat. Could not get Galadriel to take Ring. Elf-Queen v. mean not to help poor pint-sized person. 

**Day 45:**

Finally leaving Lorien. V. glad; one tall pointy-eared blonde all I can handle. Galadriel gave me bottled water for farewell gift. Wish had given me bigger boat as getting v. tired and cramped already.

**Day 48:**

At Amon Hen. Aragorn unsure of direction. Getting habitual for Aragorn. Perhaps Arwen should have come along too as A. cannot seem to manage without her. Wish Gimli would fall into hole or something; hard 'r's and constant grumpiness nervewracking. Must get alone; all this unpleasantness is screwing with my positive outlook.

**Day 49:**

Boromir tried to take Ring. Tripped over big log in attempt to get it. Score one for small agile Hobbits. Need to retain balance and serenity so think will do some yoga on elevated surface.

LATER:

Too much negative energy in Fellowship. Am off to Mordor. Alone. But will take Sam with me. 


End file.
